Winter is the bluest color
A friend recently shared that she invites lonelies over to join her holiday celebrations and something in it deeply resonated. As I love my solitude, equally others are placing ideas of what it means for me as I take time to myself. I realize this time is for me alone, and I don’t need to give others an explanation as to why.
Why I love my solitude. Why I love being alone. Why I love unstructured days. Why I love my life. I have never been so happy in my life and yet so sad at the same time. I wouldn’t say I feel alone but I absolutely feel alone. I feel so depleted, and exhausted, and yet, I still want to be alone.
This year took so much from me. But I believe this year gave me more. As I cocoon and write more of my book I realize how much of a writer I am.
I express gratitude every day that so many of you read my words, and comment on their resonance. I love reading your words too. Words bring me joy.
I like the feelings words bring. They can cause an array of feelings, both positive, and not so positive.
I’d like to think of this lifetime like a slow sewn handmade garment. Taking it piece by piece, step, by step.
I am showing up more to be seen, and it’s uncomfortable. I am fiercely private, and although I share with words, I don’t tend to enjoy sharing my personal life with most.
My heart still aches, and yet I am showing up each and every day to experience it rise and fall with the planets we orbit.
This year was a year of firsts. Uncording from things that no longer serve me, and people who treated me poorly and I ended any interactions where I left feeling a bit less whole that I felt entering it.
I worked on my future worry, and healed my fear of driving. My night terrors have returned more intensely as I process and step into a new and mysterious threshold of who I am yet to become. I became a bit more comfortable with letting the river flow from within.
Being in the digital ether is something that feels contrary to me and my growth, but I am showing up to share I am still here.
I am deciding to show up as myself, no falsities or b.s. because there is enough of that out there. And as I unlearn to overthink everything and let my nervousness drive my decision making, I proclaim, I am ready for the abundance life has to offer me.
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Written under a Scorpio sun and a Virgo moon feeling like I really need to expand my home apothecary.
p.s. Solitude doesn’t mean I am lonely and being lonely doesn’t mean I need diagnosing and I definitely don’t need saving. Sometimes in life there can be and also moments, and to those who are worried about me, maybe check on those people in your life who are not sharing their emotional processing through words and are actually holding the feelings in. Those are who may need your love and support at this time, not me. I’m doing just fine. I’m just a hermit who prefers to be alone.