When the Heart Hurts Too Much
I started a quilt I can’t finish. At first I didn’t know why. I realize it emotionally wrecks me to go back to a place where I felt warm, loved, and seen because equally, it was so dark, cold, and unkind. Slowly leaning into the journey of deep healing.
Last night, and amidst this retrograde, I have been in deep introspection on the parts of me that feel lost, gone forever as maturity sets in.
One day I’ll wake up compelled to lean into myself and heal the hurt of what once felt lost, and now is found. Day by day, the message becomes more clear and I feel more in love with the person I’ve become, with the mother I am.
I don’t feel too bad, I recognize that I have changed, and with change, comes re-learning about yourself. The need version that has different likes and dislikes just as a young child does. Leaning into the newness can feel unfamiliar, or uncomfortable, but I realize it is best if I walk this journey alone.
I have been in deep reflection about my hurt for the lives I never led. The life with a home full of kids and a supportive partner, the life of a nomad, traveling the world without a care in the world, the life as the worlds most impactful, philanthropic, wealthy human alive. All these lives and versions of myself can be mourned, but I must not forget the life I am waking up and living today. Some lives I still have time to approach with the gentle care of walking through a new growth forest. Some lives I am currently leading, in parallel. The life full of friends I love whom cherish me for who I am. The life that offers me the flexibility I need to pursue a new type of music career, one where you can be equal parts good mother and equal parts amazing artist. One does not need to make a choice, sometimes one can just simply exist and let life unfold as it does.
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Written under a Gemini sun and a Taurus moon feeling like it’s my time to shine.
Listening to:
p.s. This is my first piece written in my natal sun and things are feeling electric.
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