When Feeling Guilty No Longer Works
What to do when you find yourself in a one-sided relationship.
What to do when you find yourself in a one-sided relationship.
Last night I couldn’t sleep. You know, one of those nights where your mind is churning through the waves of thoughts and the exhaustion is on the surface? So much came to light, and I carefully took notes on each and every sentiment so I could begin to slowly process them with my weekly therapy session I am so thankful I can afford.
See, somehow I landed in a familiar pattern. Girl meets guy, guy seems great, attachment styles are activated like those draw people you shoot at the rodeo and everything goes to shit.
This time, during the everything goes to shit part I tried to evolve and do things differently. Despite my nervousness I gave space, I meditated, I wrote songs, I traveled, I played guitar, I danced, I spent time with friends. I felt pretty shappy (sad happy). So when I reached out for some closure I had a pretty good feeling things were going to go great. Think again.
I expected because we hadn’t seen each other in almost four weeks he would be open to talking in person. I was looking forward to seeing his wonderful face, connecting, and letting go. Then he replied that he was eight hours south. I was livid. This is the fourth time he has actively created extreme physical distance between us in six weeks. He would not let me have an ounce of control. It was all him, and I was a puppet, playing the part. This other participant was so triggered he left the area! I was then triggered and the boards were up once more. I felt anger towards him for the very first time and I said unkind words (all of which I meant).
Mind you, I am not free of fault here. I made many mistakes in attempting to “fix the situation.” I embarrassed myself in more ways than I can count, but I am human, and love can make things irrational and foggy.
Yet so many things remain unanswered.
How is it that someone can open you up and then decide-nope not for me?
How is it that someone can ask for boundaries and yet violate yours?
How is it that you wait patiently for weeks and start to feel like you are recovering, only to feel ripped open like a sliced in the middle teddy bear in an instant?
How can someone new make you toss out all ideals and even think about a future with children-one you had ruled out all together?
The answer came to me in my dreams and it’s giving away your power. I had a dream so intense and it spoke volumes to me. We were in a convertible happily headed on a vacation by the ocean, winding around a curvy, precarious road. I was in the passenger's seat gleaming with joy, love, and excitement-he however was stern and focused.
Out of nowhere he put the vehicle in reverse and started driving backwards. I was confused, and scared, and unsettled. I wanted to get out, but there was nowhere to land. Finally, we reached the tip of the forest and I got out of the car and started to walk away.
Now is the time to walk away.
I spent weeks feeling like I had caused harm, unable to see the harm that was being inflicted upon me. I was so wrapped up in his trauma responses I ignored the fact that I was having them in my own body as well. I wasn’t sleeping well, I wasn’t able to eat, I was lovesick, but all I could think about was if he was okay.
In realizing my feelings there was so much I wanted to share. So much sadness, pain, and hurt, but he wasn’t ready to hear me out. I have a very hard time connecting to my feelings but I really wanted to do better this time. I wanted to be loving and free of judgment. I feel I succeeded at this.
After my triggering I requested we talk immediately. He declined. There was a back and forth. He fought for control, deciding on a time to speak and I had been patiently waiting without realizing that at any point I could take back control. I relinquished my own power. So instead of obliging to his set terms I decided to hop off the ride.
He can go fuck his ex as she recovers from injury for all I care, maybe she can hold space for his emotional tug of war games. Maybe they were fucking all along.
I don’t play games. I am real, and I am ready to show up for someone who wants to have a real connection, flaws and all. I am open to love, and will no longer hide in the shadows, afraid of being hurt. I am exposed, and ready to be held, nurtured, and loved. I want someone who will do the same for me, and commit to sexual exclusivity. That is not too much to ask for.
At this point, there won’t be a conversation, and I won’t have any closure as I’d hoped, but that’s okay. He breached my trust. I was pushed so hard so fast I leveled up, and am an even better person because of it. Just because this didn’t end well doesn’t speak on my need for reassurance. It didn’t speak on my need for cultivating interdependence. I was showing up wholeheartedly and open. He opened me up to love, brought me pleasure and maybe he served his purpose. Maybe that is all this was meant to be.
Yet still, I think we were meant to be, but moving on is likely the best thing for me to do at this point. I get the message universe, I will let him go. This relationship quickly became an anathema for me.
If someone is creating some one-sided bullshit just hop off the ride. Letting them go doesn’t need to be letting them go, it simply is deciding that you matter more, and my self-esteem finally caught up with that idea.