“I can’t eat.
I can’t sleep.
It’s tearing me to pieces.
It is.” -Fo Fera
Excerpt from my song “Hysteria” Written in 2008
I’m a day behind here because depression has reared its ugly head. It’s been trying to get me, and I have been running from it, attending events, being overly social with those who love me and whom I love in return, and pushing all the sadness down my throat into my stomach, causing upset.
As I am reconnecting with parts of myself that have been neglected for years, things are bound to come up. Despite expecting them to come up, I do feel emotional overwhelm, and no, I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to bundle up in my papasan and feel my chest expand with each breath I take listening to Ambar Lucid and Halsey on repeat. Life is hard. This new, intense phase of growth is pushing me into uncomfortable spaces, and I am showing up to fully experience the range of sadness, anger, hopelessness, and rage (Mars has been fueling my emotions lately, and fight is ready to gauge a war). My goal in all of this is to emerge a bit brighter. A bit more connected to my “why.”
In speaking on depression I am not crying for people to reach out to me (I’m talking to you extroverts*). I want to normalize sadness as it coexists with life’s delights, with joy. Sometimes, we just need to ebb and flow with our emotions and let them rise and fall like the ocean shifts with the moon. Sometimes, we need to show up fully honest about how we are truly doing and not gloss over the bad days with “I’m fine.” sometimes, an adequate response is “I’m going through it.”
Today, my friend invited me into her sacred space and the most aligned words of wisdom sought me out and found me. It was splendiferous.
“Depression comes from suppression. Not looking at things squarely. When you bury your head in the sand, you are ignoring your pain.*”
Sit with that for a moment. Is there something you have been suppressing? For me, the pandemic taught me that I could not rely on my plans. I can always rely on my plans, that is one thing that I know for sure. As an obsessive planner, having all of my plans fall by the absolute wayside into a grey area for over a year was hard. Really really hard. But I didn’t even check in with myself on it. I brushed past it, tried to be a good parent, started a new business, and mourned one gig I was looking forward to having. Not the twelve that were possibly never going to be because not all businesses can recover after an event such as a pandemic, not a very special international journey, not missed opportunities. Now, as I am finally able to get some of these events back on the calendar, and some are still in limbo, I must sit with the acceptance that change is inevitable.
Writing, singing to myself, and quiet reflection have all been ways that I have processed my grief, but in not crying, there is a part of me that needs to be released so that it feels seen. I am actively working on improving this part of myself. My usual resources are not feeling like enough anymore, and I need to work on increasing my emotional tool kit to continue moving through life with ease. I need to have trust in the universe that my past is still the correct path.
Here are some key takeaways I had from today:
“If you are struggling, reach out for the strength, enabling you to continue on your path, and say it in true faith and you shall receive it.”
This resonates so deeply for me. As someone who has always visualized myself having high levels of success and actively able to manifest success quite easily, I know how powerful the mind is and yet, I have an out-of-control mind I seek to harness. My mind is wild and I am seeking, constantly trying to quell my busy mind. I think I have been going about this all wrong. Maybe the goal is to work towards having more trust that you following your agency as a human being is okay, and all decisions you take and act on are lessons, and not punishment for doing something you should not have done. There is not a lack of love in the world-love is abundant. Have less regrets, life is fleeting.
“When you stand firm in the resolve of your faith is when you will be able to experience miracles.”
Now how do I see this played out in my life? Maybe learning to lean into ease even more. Overthinkers: if we are able to let go and have compassion for ourselves then maybe there is an opportunity to not be bound so tightly by our limiting beliefs that suppress growth and keep us stuck on a rumination loop of our past, unable to move forward. I spent most of my 20’s stuck in this phase and wrote some incredibly beautiful, deep work that resonates with so many. In listening back to songs I have never released there is such sad hopelessness and longing that could never be fulfilled-as if someone scooped out a big part of me and I was constantly seeking someone to fill that void and make me whole, only to be met with those who validated my insecurities and fueled my low self-esteem. The truth is that you do need to seek a way to feel whole internally without the expectation that someone will come and save you (an old view of mine I am trying to evolve and grow from-still a hopeless romantic).
“This changes you from being a victim of your emotions to being a victor and in control of your mind and emotions.”
Bam. Well there you have it. I have been stuck playing a victim, stuck in my old ways, and falling in love with people’s patterns and not who they are actively showing up as and showing me who they are by their actions. I am no longer a victim, I am the one with the pen and the paper and I will re-write my story with today as day number one.
“Express gratitude for the challenges that are offered in your life to grow.”
Sometimes life offers the exact amount of pressure that you need to shine your brightest. Do you have lofty goals like me? If so, maybe you have dealt with a lot more hardship, loss, and pain. Maybe this is a part of the journey, and you need to lean into the idea of trusting it. Keep your mind focused on that one calm spot in your mind and try to give less energy on your trials.
“When the trials hit, take sides against your emotions and press into faith and feel the peace flood your soul.”
If you have faith, you will also have waves of grief mixed with feelings of strength and gratitude. If you are truly struggling with this, you can try singing or humming to yourself for comfort.
“Don’t just process things internally.”
I don’t like to share my feelings out loud, just reading this makes me uncomfortable, and yet I do have a select few that I reach out to for support. We are all overthinkers, that share different perspectives and can understand each other through open and honest conversations.
“We all have agency and accountability.”
Enough said, moving on.
Here is a mantra for those who ruminate on past decisions such as myself. Try it out and see if it resonates for you:
I am a human being with agency, I act based on my free will, I am accountable for all of my choices. There is joy, pain, and sadness in all of my decisions.
You can always choose your attitude in any circumstances.
Will you become a victim of your circumstance?
It’s a good idea to do self-inventory work as we accumulate ways of thinking that no longer serve us. For me, I often regret when I “act out of character” and say something unkind. Now, I realize that I am not actually acting out of character-I am multifaceted. More so, a part of me has been triggered and is reacting, hijacking my reasonable self. I can’t promise I won’t lash out when triggered, but I can apologize, await a response, and have compassion for myself, working on not expecting the response to be what I want to hear. If the other person is meant to be in my life, they will be forgiving of my shortcomings and embrace me without judgement as I strive to do with those I care for in my life by choice.
On loving thyself: I see a rare opportunity has presented itself on my quest to find self-love, which is what I have been seeking recently.
Next week, we will have a discussion on seeing challenges as triangles, a way to break my very black and white thinking, and leveling up. The collective grief is real y’all-global warming is real.
Fear not, this too shall pass.
Cordialement,
Fo Fera
Currently reading:
Reflections of My Nonexistence
Currently listening to:
Kehlani’s talks on Success in the Music Industry
Currently studying:
French, regenerative power, and quilting techniques.
*If you are compelled to reach out, I see you and appreciate your empathy and compassion and will accept it with loving grace.
*The bury your head in the sand reference is so relevant as we are in the deeply emotional and turbulent season of Cancer, the caring, compassionate, crabby, emotional, family-oriented sign of the zodiac. I do love me some Cancers, they really hold space for my complex emotions and enjoy going deep into conversations, respecting the ephemerality of my Gemini nature. The feeling is always ethereal although ever so present is the feeling of love and understanding.