I used to think love ending was the tell all, feel all demise of the world as I knew it. As I could literally see the walls of emotion caving in on my, my life was done as I knew it.
With age, and time, I have leaned into the fact that love is evolving, an ever changing mirror showing you different versions of yourself. Sometimes, there isn’t the dramatic, cliffhanger ending. Sometimes things just end and you walk away with some new scars and some wounds you can learn to soothe and heal over time.
Recently, in conversation with my support, I discovered that I placed all of my emotional stability in the unstable hands of others. In carefully watching their waning emotions, my response would be decided without my own autonomy. In this instance, I tried to be there for myself, and soothe myself with new tools like tears and words of comfort.
One trend that I have noticed is that each relationship is like a continuation of the last. Any shit you left on the table to work on later immediately rears it’s ugly head, regurgitating almost like clockwork and before you can lick your wound you are sucked back into the same scenario you thought you escaped.
Life is like that. If the work is not addressed, it keeps appearing, louder, bigger, until you learn the lesson. I wonder why I thought I had learned the lessons? Am I disconnected from myself? I for once thought that things were going to be different. That we weren’t going to destroy each other in the process but we inevitably caused harm-and I feel hurt that things transpired that way inevitably. No matter what we did, it would have still gone in that direction.
I asked for forgiveness and was slapped on the wrist over and over with my wrongdoings. Unable to sleep, eat, or correctly care for myself once again. Once again, in the cycle of demise. A dear friend told me that love seems to ruin me and I believe she is absolutely correct. I unravel at the seams when falling in love into a little bundle of nerves. My inner child comes out and asks for reassurance, immediately denied and hurt I cower for a moment, only to re-emerge. As the dragon in me becomes protecting of her young, I strike-reactive, defensive, and sharp with my wicked tongue.
Fully aware that endings are a part of my journey in this lifetime, I must relinquish my need to control this outcome. What happened has happened. I even changed. I even realized the error in my ways and tried to make amends instead of walking away. I even cried. This is quite rare for me, so I can truly say that I grew. I loved and expressed myself in a new way I never dreamed was possible. For that, I am thankful for the lesson.
Despite this, the unraveling of this duo has felt rough. Sleeping is rough, eating is rough. Inner child healing is now back on the table times ten, and I just want to curl up into a little ball and call it quits. Instead, I wrote a song-would you like to hear it?
I feel like every past relationship
Haunts us like a ghost
I try to be present
But I can not let things go
I try to express myself
And you think you’re fucked up
Why can’t I be enough?
Why can’t you feel my love?
They say a new relationship
Is like a work of art
I’m pulling at the pieces
You are tearing me apart
If fairytales are meant to be
Then what the fuck is us?
Is this love?
Is this love?
I know I was destined
For the harder lessons
But I try so hard to be stable for you
I get insecure
And you get insecure too
Why can’t it mean something to you (that I’m trying)
All the effort that I make
To me it feels a lot
And you don’t feel a thing at all
You think that I’m fucked up
My efforts seen as malice
You’re tearing down the palace in mind
I’m not lyin’
Oh these memories
I’ve left them to bleed into nothing
yet my body knows
What I cease to say
I seize the day
Carpe diem’s what you say to me
Why can’t I be happy
I’m fucking trying to change for you
Some say we’re toxic
Some say we’re a mess
But I just can’t get you out
Can’t get you out of my head
Some say we’re destined for disaster
There’s no happily ever after
But I know you are
A lesson on love
I want to learn with you
Please be true
I’m being real for you
Sharing my all
Don’t go
I want you so
Are you bad for me?
Maybe
Maybe
.
.
.
.
Written under an Aquarius sun and a Virgo moon feeling as if my world is going to implode.
Listening to:
My new playlist: You were my sea of love 🌊
Aurora-A Temporary High
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oBmM9pvUh5k
Oh, and I wrote a new album called Control and Demise. A listening preview goes live today at Noon for my paid subscribers, if you feel compelled to join you can do so here.
Reading:
Clarity and Connection
Winter Recipes from the Collective: Poems
p.s. As I energetically shift into each season, I am thinking of sharing a song that embodies that season for me as I tend to write with most murky clarity on the cusp of transitions.