Once I finally unlocked the secret sauce to feeling whole life opened new doors for me I could never have even imagined. Life has been so incredibly good to me lately I can’t help but feel immense gratitude for the abundance of friends, opportunities, and love in my life.
Recently, I asked Google “What does falling in love feel like?” I have been pondering on this question for quite some time now. As someone who has metamorphosized more times than I am comfortable to admit, I can honestly say this time feels so different.
How does one show up to relationship when you have no idea who the heck you are anymore?
The truth of the matter is, I am a completely different person now than I was in January of last year. In January of last year, I was feeling ambivalence in a partnership that had gone stale, I was not seeing the success I had hoped to see from a new venture I started during the pandemic, and I knew it was only a matter of time before the rippling effects of financial losses for my clients started to affect my business.
Instead of addressing it head on, I swept it under the rug, and continued to ignore the signs of impending doom. Only now in hindsight does the guilt and shame lift from the partnership that wasn’t fitting in my life, only now do I see that every experience I lived through-in this body, in these bones has pushed me to rapidly evolve into a better being, the human that stands before you today.
In 2021 I learned that I absolutely detest texting and refuse to feel obligated to reply.
I get back to people on my own timeline and that reading in the mornings sets me up for success.
I learned that rest is imperative to keep the mania at bay and I love love.
I learned that I won’t cook if I am not tidy and in the words of my dearest darling “I am a bit of a hoarder.”
Still on a quest to clearly express myself, I am an untethered being and prefer to exist within my creative bounds, limitless and free.
So when I decided to hop back on for some casual banter I didn’t expect to find someone who makes my heart feel like it’s going to jump out of my chest but I did.
I met my male counterpart and I am savoring every moment because I truly believe this is the happiest moments of my life, happening right now. No more fantasyland, I plan to be fully present to feel, hear, see, and taste every sensation that comes with embracing a complete stranger into your life and offering a piece of yourself in return.
For me, love feels like navigating a lost ship in the ocean, having not seen anything for tens of thousands of miles but water, feeling exasperated and hopeless until at the edge of the horizon, there is a flash of light. You grab your telescope and peer into it and you see someone smiling and waving at you from a boat in the nearby distance. As you start to steer towards them the water is calm, and even becomes a brighter, clearer blue. Everything becomes brighter, and as you lock eyes for the first time you know that they have invited you in for a visit and it feels safe to stay a while.
So I am dropping my anchor, letting my guard down, and hopping on someone else’s boat for a while. When I need space to reset, I will hop back on my own boat and focus on me.
To me, relationships are so beautiful because they can help us step out of our ego self and focus on other things.
What really matters?
What do I want to accomplish with my time here on earth?
How can I adapt with the world that has changed and shifted so rapidly in the past two years?
These are all questions I am asking myself as I embrace 2022 with big open arms~hello dear friend, I am here to stay.
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“There are no certainties in love-you just have to try it out.” -Excerpt from Kitz
p.s. A friend said something that stuck and I am going to embody in my practice in 2022. He said his only goals in 2021 were to “Reduce priorities and organize more.” Isn’t this brilliant? I think I will try it out.