It is approaching my first year living away from where I grew up and I wonder and mull on how I have grown. Living in a new environment that is ever sedating is like nothing I have ever experienced, of course because it is new.
I am thinking of opting to fail out of classes at the moment, purely because every now and again the system tricks me into thinking it will support a single parent into being able to succeed and then I take four steps back like in Schalngen und Leiternspiel.
There is an ever pacifying quality to living near so much forest and water that is taking some deep getting used to, and I want more time to do less.
I somehow envisioned life here to be so different and I am finding that life is not at all what I expected it to be. I am in some contusion of an existence where the scars of the past couple of years have affected my core being, and I need gentleness and space to truly heal. If happiness is not a verb then what is a noun and what do I do next? The perplexities remain.
Parts of me miss my past self and wonder where she went. It seems she no longer exists anymore. It is important for me to decide what will and will not define me but also, not much feels important as of late. Alas, I am confounded by the maze of my mind.
Hope is but a faint memory and as things start looking up slowly, I remember I don’t need to emerge yet. Friends and loved ones keep inquiring on a book reading. It will happen when I emerge, but I still am in hibernation, recovering from the overload and burden of the chaotic whirlwind of a transition that a small selection of very deep friends and family supported by creating a soft landing.
There is gratitude and the desire to thank, see, and do but all I have energy for is observation. I was able to make something with my hands, needle, and thread, only to realize I don’t miss it as much as I thought I did. Deep in the world of academia, I yearn to teach, share, and speak. To talk story, and learn new skills with my hands. These hands that keep seeking, reaching, and grasping for new things to do away from technology and screens.
Summer is approaching and I can almost smell the campfires and mosquito repellent. I am ready to feel whole again, and I don’t know how long it will take, but it’s the nearness of you that keeps me sane.
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Written under a Taurus sun and a Sagittarius moon feeling wholesome.
Currently making: Banana bread, pistachio cardamom cake, salmon teriyaki bowls, and rice.
Currently humming: Old Jazz tunes and primavera.
Looking forward to: Re-awakening the podcast and tall summer flowers.
J’aime la pluie.