Today is the first day I am reconnecting with my inner thoughts and clarity is setting in. This winter into spring has been exceptionally slow and I have been reflecting on what the meaning of it all truly is.
Maybe the blessing in the slow is the ability to focus on my schoolwork. Despite the stress of ever fluctuating income and the uncertainty of not knowing when another client will say yes, or another unkind email of someone’s impatient reaction will arrive imposing on my peaceful day there is a blessing in the slow. I am not only passing all of my classes, but I have A’s in almost all of my classes. Even excelling in Japanese and learning, learning, learning, which is all I crave to do in the wintertime besides eat and rest. Even driving has lost its appeal as I have a deep desire to hunker at home and watch the frost melt away from the grass and the spring insects emerge ready to start their insectly duties.
Last night I had a bizarre dream, and I am being called more and more to write science fiction, which seems to be buzzing semi-dormant inside of me. I am considering writing for magazines once more, and because my ideas constantly overfloweth, I am putting it out to the universe that I wish to have opportunities that excite me and bring the joy from my eyes to my heart to my spirit.
As spring unfolds and emerges, there is a slowness that I sense different than years prior. A yearning to remain close to home and watch the season continue to shift with ease. No desires for grandiose adventures that are far beyond the comforts of the walls that hold me, keeping me safe and warm. The nourishment of a home to call my own, and a space to see my daughters wings expand as she learns how to fly under gentle guidance is enough. The time is now to enjoy what I have left of having an adolescent human in the home. Soon she will fly off to college and my work as a mother with a child growing up in the home will be evolving into something new and unknown.
As someone who finds things fascinating then not, I am both intrigued and perplexed at how anthropology has grasped my focus. I wish I had more opportunities to dive into the materials, but I am recovering from an emotional collapse from the deep overwhelm my spirit has felt in being required to participate in capitalism. I know currency is just a tool to live, but I really have no desire to work anymore and want to spend my days how I wish, filled with ease, and laughter, and self-exploration. I hope to make this dream a reality sooner rather than later as this realm of living is feeling less than fulfilling.
The season to garden is upon us, and the weeds have grown far beyond their welcome. In the next week or so, with springs official date, I plan to start spending time in the garden, tending to the weeds as the weeds rebalance and soothe my nervous system more than any therapy can. Today the weather is sunny and bright, and I feel my spirit gently defrosting after a long slumber. Life as I know it is evolving, and changing, and I am again tasked with reconnecting with who I am becoming today.
If I am but ever surrounded by love and spirits, so must you be, and for that, I am ever grateful.
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Written under a Pisces sun and a Gemini moon feeling wonder.
Currently reading: The Humboldt Current: Nineteenth-Century Exploration and the Roots of American Environmentalism
Currently listening to: Milton Nascimento and Vintage MPB (genre)