When your attachment style blows up your love life
Recently, I decided to try online dating. I was sure I wouldn’t meet anyone, I mean, how could I if I am just checking things out? Sure enough, I met someone almost immediately, and they were absolutely wonderful. For the first time in my life, I was taking it day to day, making sure not to get swept up in future planning, disillusionment, or obsessive thinking. The version of myself who was showing up was mature, open, and free of judgment, something my Virgo Moon is simply not used to doing. I liked this version of myself, I felt confident in her. What ensued was an awakening that shook me to my core.
Somehow, when the time is just right, the universe decides I need a reboot. So here I am, having a wonderful time getting to know someone new and all of my shit slowly starts bubbling to the surface. Cursed insecurities that I stuffed deep below view floated their way into our blissful introduction period, marring the excitement. Without fail, my unstable, Mercury in retrograde emotions started to fuck things up.
My style of love and being in love were set up by my childhood experience. I was raised to consider that education, intelligence, self-sufficiency, preservation, and independence were of more value than romantic relationships. My parents had so much strife that it could be physically cut with a knife and I was in between their drama constantly. Their discord taught me that I wanted the opposite. My lived experience instilled a sense in me that what I craved most was family, understanding, and love. I wanted to have that fairytale partnership (sans marriage of course).
So out of the blue, someone new entered my life and it was breathtakingly beautiful. Yet newness makes me sick. Feelings of love make me sick. It is unpredictable, and I can’t help but get excited around the possibility of something magical. Love is magical, feeling love is magical, and though I fiercely guard my heart, this time, I tried being open, exploring different avenues of sharing, arrangements, and space.
I somehow thought that if I did things differently, the outcome could be different, but I hadn’t really changed. In all of my efforts to work on myself I took long extended breaks in between relationships, 2–3 year long breaks. I thought this was the right thing to do. To spend time alone in wait until my slow healing heart was soothed. Although this was wonderful, each time I found myself in another partnership it was like pressing play after a long pause, with the same patterns, insecurities, and challenges rising to the surface almost immediately.
So at this moment when I was caught off guard I thought I was prepared, I thought I could adjust to the newness, but it was just too much. I felt like I needed a break to adjust, but my brake lever was completely stuck in drive. For those of you who know about astrology, my Venus is in Cancer which means I really struggle around setting boundaries with love, and that in this lifetime, that is the one thing I need to learn to establish.
Although this was all moving way too fast and I felt like I needed to step away, I simply couldn’t and I pushed and pushed until he felt my intensity and pulled away. My drawers of shit I had closed off had been blown off its hinges, flaws were exposed and I felt vulnerable-an emotion I usually hide from those close to me until about year 10 or so. The guilt from oversharing, the blaming myself, the need for reassurance all crept in and I chose the one person who did not have the capacity to give that to me. It was a devastating discovery and reopened some wounds I thought were patched up adequately years ago.
So where do I go from here? Do I start at square one? As I write this, there are many people near me that I see have the qualities that would help me feel nurtured, loved, and whole-but I’m not there yet. My heart is shattered, I need to remain focused on my career aspirations, being a kind and compassionate mother, and continue to level up. I asked the universe for this experience, and the universe obliged.
This time, I won’t wallow in my sorrow or remain stuck in my feelings of self-pity and regret. Loss is inevitable in life. I will thank the universe for blessing me with such a wonderful, fulfilling experience and release any expectations about the future.