What is truth when the reality you have been living in for the past thirty something years is one that is murky, unclear, and skewed at best? How does one fathom they can trust their own mind?
People tell me it is so marvelous to have such a smart mind, but, do you know the thing about having a smart mind that no one with a smart mind prefers to share? It’s that sometimes, out smart mind can trick us out of logic and fabricate something so astronomically absurd, and our smartness is out the window as we follow a thought into oblivion. I used to think I knew so much, that I had the answers, and could rely on what I knew or found out to be true in the past to plan the present but actually, I know nothing at all. I am but a pinwheel in the sand flowing along in this saga called life and I know now that I know nothing.
In childhood, I felt ever present on the fact that I had a solid grasp of reality. Little did I know that this was a reality fabricated in my mind. A reality that was un-true, false, and misleading. A reality that led to many failed relationships, situationships, and disappointments as reality crashed like an ocean wall upon my blinded eyes, while they in the meantime were pretending everything was okay by remaining shut.
What does one do when they are staring into the void? How does one show up, express their needs, and remain grounded in reality when the reality they live in is the one made up in their mind?
My dream world kept me safe for twenty five years and the day of awakening is one I will never forget. The harsh realization that nothing I had ever experienced was real in a sense of losing one of your senses. When you can not smell food, the food is less desirable, and in turn, less delicious. Imagine leading life in this way with a veil over your eyes tinting every single one of your experiences to a certain hue that only you can recognize. You are certain the hue is real yet something deep down inside, a protective mechanism is working around the clock to ensure you never wake up. You are awake in a dream called life driving, striving, thriving, yet, it is all semi-meaningless because you are not actually present. Awake in the real world.
Your smart mind has created a haven so well-equipped, comfortable, and plush that you beckon those to join you in the stories of your mind. After all, it is safe.
So as I recover from this extended slumber I must once again wake up to the harsh reality that something in my life right now needs to pivot. Something needs to change, and the pinwheel will spin again.
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Written under a Pisces sun and a Virgo moon, feeling the murkiness of this season of awakening and transition.
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