On respecting boundaries
On trust
On expansion
In recent conversation with a new friend on raising children, we dove deep into the dynamics of raising a human.
How does no feel to you? Do you feel comfortable saying it? Do you feel comfortable receiving it?
As my child gets closer to the age of integrating with society, I am reflecting on the power of no and how so often as women, this is stripped away from us in language, societal and familial expectations, and internal pressures. Yesterday, my daughter had a beautiful graduation ceremony and as lovely as the day was, the advice that was given by the principal was strikingly familiar and unsettling.
One thing I have observed about raising a not so little human in a suburb is the undercurrent of complacency and the antiquated gender roles that are still followed. They separate boys and girls in PE, they have the girls do tumbling and the boys do wrestling, and there is this disturbing use of language that perpetuates gender stereotypes that are long outdated.
So returning to this speech, the advice shared was two-fold, and like a double sided dagger, I understood the complexity of the suggestions in telling young girls to listen to authority and just do what they ask. I understood the danger in teaching young girls not to question authority and unfortunately, this cis-white middle aged man did not. Those were not safe suggestions, I thought, and even shared with a friend nearby.
If there is one thing I know for sure, it is that I am open minded and although I may disagree with someone’s ideas, I am not going to shoot them down before hearing the whole story and attempting to understand. After all, we all have different experiences which shape the way we perceive the world.
What I heard in this was things that this man, as a principal would have loved to see during an extremely turbulent time, of kids spending eighteen months learning online and then returning to school, masks on, like little wild animals with no manners or respect for adults is to respect grown ups words. This I deeply understand as I listen to the world through the lens of a fourteen year old teenager. However, it does make me question, and reflect on my past experiences and how long it took me to feel comfortable speaking up, drawing a line, and saying no and why.
The other side of this is for young boys. What is the general societal expectation? That they don’t show emotions, that they bottle them away, that if they do they are weak, fragile, and will never make it in life? As a fully developed woman I see how this has affected my generation of men. So many have deep seated wounds around showing up, being vulnerable, and some are not even able to access these depths as they have been taught that their feelings are not valid. These harmful constructs are so deeply embedded in who we are, have been so damaging and now, I am finally understanding how this Aquarian led generation will start to tear down these outdated societal constructs that no longer serve us.
I had another conversation this week, where someone (please let me know if it was you as I don’t recall who gave this brilliant tip), suggested that we reevaluate laws at least annually. Wow, I thought. This feels profound. To be present with the current times and make sure people are all represented equally by the upheld laws would be phenomenal. Of course, the setbacks would be having to follow with all of the changes as we saw with the administration changes and the tax law shifts that so quickly pushed many that I know into early retirement from the CPA profession but equally, this allows for some breathing room and expansion so society can feel out the spaciousness of new norms.
To me, it seems that America’s constructs on law (for the people) and many other countries are in those jeans from the back of your closet that are way too tight to put on and you have to keep one button open and a part of the zipper down and cover it with your shirt as it simply doesn’t fit well anymore.
This is not to say that I lack compassion, I have depths of compassion, but we need to be resolve in the idea that the world has changed and shifted and, evaluate the way that these societal expectations have placed pressure on us to raise our children.
I personally have taught my daughter the power of no, and she pushes back on me constantly. Sometimes, I am done, or not in the mood, or she has asked one too many times, but it is in this container of learning in the ecosystem of our relationship that she can understand where peoples hard boundaries are, and form her own.
If you are conflicted, affected, overwhelmed, or in a stasis of change, I consider you reflect on the power of no.
In closing, I will leave you with a quote, and a voice memo I had this week on some general thoughts when processing.
On the power of no and raising resilient children:
Currently reading:
The Mountain Is You by Brianna Wiest
My current personal reflections on the power of no:
In the past two years I have had immense growth and transformation in my ability to ask for something I want or need as a request and not expect the answer to be what I want to hear. I sit in deep practice and discomfort in the possibility that I will hear something completely different than what I expected from the positive and negative polarities of what my mind creates and I am open to the discomfort of sitting with someone’s decision.
There is an unhealthy aspect of this era (speaking specifically to those born around my era), where there is a strong expectation and if it is not met, we ghost, ice out, or somehow emotionally blackmail others into feeling guilty. Strong words, and diagnosing other’s is now a common occurrence, and in my opinion, it is total bs.
My dear friend shared this incredible article by Rebecca Fishbein and it brought so much light on some very unhealthy situations I had encountered in the past two years and equally has helped me spot those who are determined to make me feel responsible for their own emotional turbulence. Simply put, we are responsible for ourselves, and although as someone in my case, who has been so used to being self reliant, reliable, and trustworthy can fall into the trap of taking on other people’s bs does tend to happen, I am learning the art of letting go of what is not mine in the first place.
With this, I will share a quote I appreciated from the piece:
It’s important to be able to set boundaries and advocate for yourself. Occasionally, though, the emphasis on protecting one’s individual needs can overlook the fact that someone else is on the other side of that boundary-setting.
Of course, there are ways in which I lack resilience and, I am working on that day by day. My motto is still to keep failing forward, and a week in which I have not failed at something means ultimately, I have not lived, and ever since I have decided I like living, I am going to keep showing up and keep failing forward.
Mantra of the day: I have full faith that the universe wants to give me everything I desire and dream of, even if it is not in the exact timeline of which I want it as it helps my spirit learn the lessons contracted to receive in this lifetime. I commit to showing up for those lessons and most importantly, for myself.
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Written under a Gemini sun and a Leo moon, feeling clear that the only path ahead in life is forward, with your head held high.