On honesty within

Reflections on writing my memoir

In writing the hardest story of my life, the story of the survival of my twenties, a lot of reflection is arising. As I read a 105 page dissertation on women who left abusive relationships a line stands out from bell hooks:

feminism is defined as the “struggle to end sexist oppression”

Being abused is not something I’m ashamed of. It’s not something you immediately walk into and decide “oh, this feels comfortable—I think I’ll stay a while.” It’s something that grows over time. Something that becomes more complex once you have children in the mix of it all.

I listened to this podcast episode yesterday, not thinking much of it, and left deeply confronted with the reality of my early emergence into the world—left behind, to fend with the wolf who lived in my home and, whom I created a child with.

There has been an unbearable realization in the past week and a half that I have stuffed away more than my heart can manage, and now is the time to gently unpack and process more of what occurred. More of what caused me harm.

At an orientation for back to school, a group of title IX associates came on stage to speak, and I internally scoffed as I was not only ready to listen, but I was sure I was healed—it was a peculiar moment of dissonance. Little did I know the reality of my life would come crashing down on me like a tonne of bricks. The reality that I quit school because I was being stalked, physically harassed, and blocked from life. It was terrifying, so much so, that my own brain protected me from the memory by creating a large wall, and on the other side of that wall, a tiny box to hold the memories tight.

Recently, that wall came crashing down, and along with the week I have had I just want to hibernate for the next four years and wake up in 2029.

I am a survivor of domestic violence, and I will never be the same.

Today, I proclaim that I will give the utmost care to writing my memoir, and I will offer it time, as the memories seem to be coming back now with more awareness and clarity. The amnesia pill my mind has given me is slowly starting to fade, and like a woozy post surgery feeling I am starting to wiggle my fingers and land on the notion that now is the time that I am ready to share more truth of my story—as I finally have the words at my fingertips.

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Written under an Aquarius sun and a Sagittarius moon feeling clarity.

Currently watching:

Independent films, and Hana Chan.

Currently reading:

unremitting entrance by janelle adsit

Far Less by Kathy Wollenberg

Culture Making by Houston White, Jr.

Currently enjoying:

Early winter sunsets, undisturbed rest, and Nabe (hot pots)

Currently baking:

Hawaiian Butter Mochi recipe here

Currently thinking about:

How our thought patterns shape our world

Flexible boundaries and lack of awareness internal conflict/harm

Friendships as love fulfilled and embodied

Having enough

My ethnographic research topic

Most looking forward to watching:

Currently crocheting/knitting:

Scarves and finishing up a WIP

Currently listening to:

Subtitle Podcast

I enjoyed this episode: Why the French use the English word ‘black’

It’s almost new year and I have a lot to do in preparation for year of the snake. More than anything, I want to welcome the year with a clean and tidy home. How will you prepare? Will you rest or will you do?