If we fall in love is there a point when we inevitably fall out of it? Is that when the actual work kicks in?
As my emotions are swirling in a multi-color hue, I am attempting to regain my newfound sense of self without someone whom I felt so easily meshed with my life. I wanted to melt into him, but the feeling wasn’t reciprocated. I was willing to do the work, and stood my ground, arms open, intensity rising. He turned and ran. He broke my soul. I fell into my usual pattern and went off the deep end, treading water in his deep murky blue. I started to drown, I couldn't see he was drowning too, and so sabotage ensued.
My health has declined, due to the actions of my impetuous nature, I find myself once more recovering from lovesickness. The healing is slow, and as I take two steps forward, some days I wake up, startled, having taken three steps back. If time is a man-made construct, my heart is lost between the dimension of what was, what is, and what could be, suspended in a sense, trying to navigate day-to-day life without a literal piece of me.
The fault is not all mine to hold. I place equal blame on the other party. He is as accountable for our demise as my actions-but the hurt emotions remain, to be sifted, sorted, and processed. As someone who is quite capricious, I follow my emotions around each bend and switchback to ultimately uncover a bit more about myself. In this brief and fleeting encounter, I have discovered more about myself and evolved more than I ever could have imagined for my current timeline on this planet.
Gnarly wounds came out this time. Things I thought were long gone, scarred in the rearview mirror reappeared, and I have spent more on therapy, acupuncture, tinctures, and homeopathic remedies than I have in years. In this I have come to terms with the fact that I am naturally nervous, perfectionistic, and a worrywart. I hide it well, and at times, those close to me on rare occasion can see me a bit more untethered to this world-as I allow them in.
Recovering from this vulnerability whiplash will take time, but the next time I write you I will be on a new adventure, far away from here, and maybe a bit closer to myself. The truth is if we were to reunite, we would never look at each other the same. Just as he ran from me I ran from him too.
Song of the week: Body by Julia Jacklin
Favorite Lyrics:
I guess it’s just my life
And it’s just my body
p.s. I thought I would be in the position to discuss my triangle theory but I have yet to go back to listen to the insight that sparked that thought.