When you simply can’t quiet your thoughts.
As I sat down and continued to feel the resonance of ommmmm throughout my body the feelings emerged. First as thoughts, then as feelings.
Why wasn’t this working?
Did I forget how to do this?
How long have I been sitting here?
Is my incense burning my bench?
I grew up African American immersed in Hinduism with a sprinkle of Buddhism. I went to temple, I attended satsangs, I know the Shree Guru Gita, Hanuman Chaleesa Hey Raam Hey Raam, Hare Krishna, Om Gam Ganapataye Namaha, you name it by heart. As a young child, I was called to the art of meditation, seeking it out and getting my mom on board for the ride. There was a lot less to worry about, so I could rely on it to nurture and put my soul at ease. With this, tapping into the divine was much easier, and there was a feeling of calm accomplishment upon completion.
As an adult, overcoming trauma experiences, disappointments, heartbreak, and terrifying encounters, life at some point became scary. Fear took over and had a lot to say about the way I was living my life. Meditation drifted further away, and finding the time to sit quietly on the floor and sink into the quiet seemed unfathomable.
Truthfully, I think that there is a lot that is not being said about meditation. Why is it not told and shared that the whole point of meditation is to simply be and let the feelings flow? I deplore the sentiment that inner peace and quiet will be achieved as it makes me feel like less than enough. For me, that is not the case. It physically hurts to try to shut off my thoughts. My words need release.
Somehow, in following all of these “woke” leaders who teach and show how to heal yourself there seems to be a lack of mention that sometimes it simply doesn’t work. You are forced to sit with yourself, with all of your discomfort, with your feelings of anguish, hurt, loss, and just feel into the pain. With this, you can maybe learn something about how you hold or withhold feelings, and after reflection, maybe there comes a point where clarity surfaces. Whatever meditation brings you, just because you are fidgety or can’t clear your mind doesn’t mean you aren’t doing it right.
From someone with an overactive mind to another, take a deep breath, sink into the floor to meditate, and know that it’s okay to get swept up into the river of emotions. You aren’t doing anything wrong. Maybe with practice, you will learn to swim with the current instead of against it.