My Chiron placements have set me up for intense failures in this lifetime. The same could be said of my numerology, my human design, and my astrological oppositions.
As my hair turns grey as the days pass by, I have been reflecting on parenting and the strong feelings that come with it. It is so incredibly hard to coexist with a human whom you have created and actively reflects your shortcomings back at you on a daily basis. Now the mother of a teenager, I am reflecting on all of the ways in which things were missed for me and where I got lost in between the cracks. In many ways, my childhood left me feeling forgotten, and my self-esteem took an incredible hit. Despite this, I do believe there are some things that are just rooted in my character of what I brought to this world and the lessons I need to learn to grow as a human.
As a mother, sometimes I think I am going to do something differently, even planning to do things differently and then my mind goes into autopilot doing the exact thing I set out not to do. I lean into compassion as I realize this is likely exactly how our parents felt as well. You receive a small human that arrives, almost like a blank slate with a sticky note that says Good Luck! and immediately your subconscious wonders “How the heck am I going to raise this being into a functioning member of society? I have my own trauma to sort out!”
The past month was wild, and I can only use the tools that I have been blessed with and worked towards to make improvements. A sweet human in my life suggested I take my daughter shopping for the creation of positive memories and yesterday I did exactly that. I can’t recall the last time I have patiently wandered through a store with my child who is quite aimless whilst shopping and was okay with it. Yes, there were times when I wanted to leave, yes shopping for clothes is my least favorite activity on this planet, and yet, I do recall a younger version of myself living for weekends at the mall. I do recall pushing back for those Mudd jeans with the sexy lace-up slit and being told no, steaming about it for months. So it was a gentle experience of holding enough space for the both of us to have a nice peaceful afternoon together at a mall without strife. I even made a short video about it.
On Burnout
If I can get past this bout of exhaustion, maybe things will improve. Maybe life is already improving and I am too tired to see it clearly. I think today I will go buy some flowers. They say yellow and pink is good for Ipchun. We are in the first quarter moon which is in my home house of Snake. Things feel pretty emotionally settled now. They say it is a good time to nourish projects, relationships, and health. As much as I want to quilt, I would like to get partially settled in this new space so my eyes can rest.
I cut my finger pretty badly on my guitar amp and it keeps opening up as it’s on my knuckle. I think that is a proper physical manifestation of how I feel right now with the intense concoction of feelings: separation mixed with sadness from this recent heartbreak. The disillusionment somehow set in so bad I didn’t even realize it was there. I imagine he feels that way about me as well.
Another failed relationship has taught me more about areas where I can lean into comforting myself and building more security. In reparenting yourself I think one needs to start with forgiving. You need to release the expectations you hold of yourself and others and simply exist. Sometimes simply existing feels like more than enough.
With my all-or-nothing thinking, I have made strides in accepting what is and leaning into balance and calm. That is the energy that I would like to be in my life more. That is what I want to tap into.
As a survivor of my childhood, of my self-afflicted wounding, and of my erraticism, I am doing the best I can, I am improving, and I love where life is heading.
In closing, always remember when you hit rock bottom, the only way out is up.
.
.
.
.
Written under an Aquarius sun and an Aries moon feeling like I am all yelled out and all my fire has been blown away into oblivion (for now).
Thank you for reading my random incoherent babble of thoughts.
Listening to:
Satya Nelms on The Gift of Disconnection
My personal playlist 2022 is. . .
The soundtrack of my life right now is Too Late Now by Wet Leg.
and Bill Withers on repeat.
Watching:
What to do when you’re unmotivated
Everyday Minimalism: Find Calm & Creativity in Living Simply
Reading:
I created a list of my go-to books here.
I am very intentional with my spending (albeit excessive at times). Here is where I spent my money recently:
2022 is the year I finally explore making my own tinctures.
Definitions:
For those of you who don’t know, I lead my life by the lunar calendar Sekki. I clean my home, garden, and lead a peaceful life by the phases of the moon. All this started when I noticed I would become an exhausted rageoholic right before Full Moons. I decided to cut out sugar and go to bed early during those weeks, and have not abandoned it yet as it helps me lead a balanced life. Ipchun, is the start of Spring according to the Korean Lunisolar Calendar.
.
.
.
p.s. What if I told you I just ran my birth chart and found out that my Moon sextile Venus is the reason that I attach my self-esteem to things! My mind is absolutely blown and I am going to be addressing that stat.
I think if I call TikTok a short video platform I can digest it a bit easier. I actually have found space for myself on the platform by enjoying live streams with sound bath meditations, acoustic musicians, and gardeners galore.
And to my dear friends, I officially am no longer a texter, so if you message me and don’t hear back from me, it’s not you. I am currently getting settled into a new space, nurturing a broken heart, making a quilt in my mind, training a new hire, and raising a teenager. My life won’t slow down, but I will remove things from my plate.
Thanks for the heads up on texting. Holding space from here for your heartache and healing. You’re a gift in this life, and I’m grateful to know you.