January was rough. I tried to ignore the fact that Mercury retrograde was ever-present but the energy was a lot to digest. Overwhelm, exhaustion, and heavy dreams weighed on my ability to spend the most Yin part of my year in rest.
Other people’s opinions weighed on me, life weighed on me, moving weighed on me, and I realized I needed a pause. I have been thinking of moving for the past year, and in actually doing it this move felt different. Gripping at my past life I struggled to let things go-why was I struggling so?
My first guess was the fact that I had so much to pack away. The accumulation of stuff meant to bring me joy actually weighed me down.
With this, I decided to do something about it. For the first time in 16 years, I decided to have less. The catharsis letting go of belongings that simply did not belong with me brought was intense and difficult. Facing a visual myriad of my past incarnated as trinkets I collected and that have been traveling alongside my journey from move to move was overwhelming, but in my newly budding partnership with someone who doesn’t (didn’t) possess the same attachment to things that I do, I learned a new discovery about myself: I am addicted to stuff as stuff was my way of processing the shitshow chaos of my 20’s. The more stuff I have the more secure I feel in my space. If I declutter, I bring things right back in and impact my way of life. Things bog me down. Things make me ill.
So what does one do when they have cornered themselves into a sea of clutter?
Start with Music
I will start by saying it does help to have an amazing playlist to listen to while you work, I love to make playlists for all sorts of moods and usually start with something that matches my energy of the day. Set yourself up with a killer playlist to find some motivation to move your body and get things started.
Process
Practicality is important. In starting the book The Afrominimalist’s Guide to Living with Less I realized I had an incredibly unrealistic idea of how minimalism looked to me.
First, I knew that all this time I had spent operating without a bookshelf had to end. I grew up with libraries in the home. At one point we had a room dedicated to books. Books are a part of my life, and although I keep what I need, I have a lot of books because I read a lot of books, and I re-read those same books often.
Next, I needed to let things go in a more ruthless manner, so I started with envisioning how I wanted my new space to feel. If I wanted to have room for my eyes to feel at rest, I needed to have less, and let go of more. In letting go here is what was passed along to new and happy homes:
The Macrame wall hanging I purchased in Maui was to support the artist. It could go.
All the extra kitchen items that were never used could go.
The chair I never sat in that housed sewing patterns and quilts in various stages of completion could go.
In letting go the overwhelm crept in, but I realized that would eventually go as well.
What truly matters to me at this moment in my timeline?
Travel matters. I need to get to the places I see in my mind.
Sharing my time with friends matters.
Prayer and reflection matter.
Exploration and self-discovery matter.
None of this is tied to physical belongings.
An Aquarian told me we are all going to die someday and we can’t take all of this shit with us. It was incredibly sharp to hear, but it struck a chord and resonated deep in my twisted mind. I recall the burden I felt when my dad left this earth and there were so many belongings to deal with. Everything needed to be touched, handled, and moved.
It was not all left for me to handle, but it was so much for everyone whom his life touched. So much of his legacy has yet to be dealt with and it created discord between my siblings and I.
If I am sentimental and share a common thread with him, I must be certain I don’t burden my child with the same challenges-so I can say with loving kindness, I let things go and I thank them for helping me grow on this windy journey called life.
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Written under an Aquarius New Moon feeling like I could really use more rose tea and baths to harness this powerful energy.
Listening to
Patti Smith on Substack The Melting Episode 40
Making
Getting prepared to make the best wholesome bread of 2022 with my heirloom flour from Farmer Mai’s flour shares.
A reckless and free quilt to wrap myself up in like a cocoon and peek out of it enough just to see Hometown Cha-Cha-Cha and Alone on Netflix.
Dyebaths for a quilt exhibit I will hopefully be accepted into for a local museum that launches on my birthday this year.
Scarves for the homeless. I am going to be having some knit/crochet days in the park in 2022 for Bay Area and Mendo folx, will announce dates in Spring.
p.s At night I sometimes stare at the ceiling and wonder if I am a good mother. Do all mothers feel the unbearable pressures of shame and guilt? What if I said this differently? What if I did this differently?
Love this, Serah! We've moved so many times and I really relate to so much of what you're sharing here. Moving has a way of shaking up our internal worlds as well as our external. And YES to decluttering--I'm working on that in 2022 as well, because I am learning to recognize how my stuff makes me feel comforted...but where does the comfort *really* lie? Such good questions. Cheering you on.
Only good mothers feel the unbearable pressures of shame and guilt xoxo