I Received an F in a Class and I’m Okay With it
I learned a long time ago that I should be okay with my flaws. It’s a part of being human. During the pandemic, we all shared many…
I learned a long time ago that I should be okay with my flaws. It’s a part of being human. During the pandemic, we all shared many opportunities to confront our flaws as we were confined together in small spaces. I discovered my introversion was growing, gardening is more than a hobby, and just how important rest is for a deep thinker. In acknowledging my need to rest, I was met with a different sentiment: ignore all body queues.
Recently, a few people have told me you just push through it. I was taken aback. How is this sustainable? You are only borrowing time from your future self. Sometimes, our bandwidth is thinner, and there is no extra capacity to push. After creating my first six-figure business, I recognized that I spent most of my 20’s pushing, not acknowledging my body need for food and bathroom breaks. Constantly faint and underweight, I was racing from one place to the next. A neverending tightrope dance with burnout I truly was not a good juggler, no one is. I never had enough rest, was working multiple jobs to make ends meet, writing a book, and planning world domination. I used an excess of mental energy and never had enough at the end of the day for myself or my daughter. It was a constant struggle and only through serious self-work did I learn to slow down.
During the pandemic, I decided to return to school after a decade-long break. I never planned on returning but it always bothered me that I did not finish a program I started. As a creative, followthrough has always felt like a curse word, haunting my abandoned efforts and projects. In deciding 2020 was going to be the year of follow-through, that was on my list to resolve. Now with maturity, I realize sometimes a project I about the process and working through something over completion.
The return was exhaustive. Trying to navigate my usual life of running a business, managing staff, my preteen being home 24/7 on top of the pandemic was exhaustive. I started a third business during the pandemic that required a lot of time on social media, and as a musician, I had some paid gigs that needed various preparation efforts, along with my weekly voice lessons. In addition to this, I decided to hire a publisher to release my first poetry book. So it was three full-time jobs, single parenting a preteen, releasing a book, and school (not in any order). My hands were full and my mental health was stretched way to the max.
Some may think this is nuts, but I am ambitious and plan to accomplish a lot with the time I have. In my free time I study French and Japanese, I garden, and I love to read. Staying busy keeps me sane, and I won’t waste a minute of my time because life simply is too short. These accomplishments are for my own satisfaction.
Recently I received an F in a class and I decided I am okay with it. I spent all of this time and effort learning the materials to the best of my ability. I received A’s on every single assignment. It felt great as this was a first for me. Normally, I am quite a poor student. After passing tests and quizzes with flying colors, I assumed the grade was going to be cumulative, after all, we had a 95 point quiz. With our final assignment being 100 points I planned enough time to get it done. I recalled the teacher made it clear that the final was of the utmost importance. I was excited thinking the final would be a paper, only to find out later that was a letter to a changemaker related to your chosen topic. Writing a letter seemed simple enough, and I knew I would be able to get it done. Then life happened.
My other final which was reliant on me graduating with my degree in Apparel Design and Merchandising was a senior collection. For those of you who have never had to do a creative and technical final, it involves pattern making, draping, and sewing a collection with a set number of pieces. Usually 4–8. It’s quite consuming and generally, you don’t sleep. This time around, I decided I would rest, only working during the daytime hours. Every day I was waking up, caring for my preteen, working on my collection, and then driving her to her extracurriculars. Somehow, I spaced on the assignment for my computer science course.
By the time I remembered the assignment it was 11:39 pm and it was due at 11:59 pm. I spaced, and I decided I didn’t want to spend the next 20 minutes stressing about it. It was Mother’s Day weekend, I was on the brink of a nervous breakdown from the various things I constantly juggle, and I decided it was okay to rest. I made a mistake, and that’s okay.
Although I had an A in the class, I finished with an F. I don’t plan to retake the course because I don’t do to well having to re-do work that has taken a lot of time and consideration. I did however have a takeaway: no one can diminish your self-worth if you don’t let them. No instructor, parent, friend, or partner can take away the feeling that you gave it your best efforts. Don’t give them the power to govern your thoughts and feelings about your self-worth. You tried, and that is good enough.