How does one show up for ones self and others?
Winters longest night is in the shadows as darkness covers the land
As the new year approaches I can’t help but reflect on the lessons this incredibly special year has bestowed upon me. 33 has been one of the most memorable times of my life thus far and I can’t wait for life to continue unfolding. There seems to be a newfound excitement unfolding in me as the new me solidifies and pieces of me that are no longer serving me fall to the wayside.
In life, it seems to me that there can be an imbalance. Either we are particularly focused on ourselves, unable to see clearly what others so desperately seek in feeling understood, heard, and seen, or one is so vehemently determined to do good for others that they forget about self. As someone who has teetered from both ends of the spectrum I can see with an absolute clarity that both versions don’t work particularly well but equally, as someone who has always seen things as black and white, this or that and not never and or but, I wonder how I can incorporate more of those uncomfortable grey areas in my life.
As my love for language grows and my vocabulary increases, I find my English becoming dimmer and dimmer as I allow for more expansion as a polyglot. I wonder what it will be like when all of the busyness falls away and I have my pen and my paper in a far away land. The life I have dreamed for myself now feeling closer than ever, the palpable realization that it will be here soon, and soon, I can be the truest version of myself.
With this, one must find balance from within, even if that balance doesn’t meet the status quo. If happiness could be in a bottle and one could drink to suppress all other emotions, I suspect that life would lose all of the coloratura that is available from feeling the highs and the lows of existing. Feelings, ever perplexing as they may be, leads way to find connection through relationship with others, self, and making it to another birthday.
Relationships, however are a fragile thing, and I have learned, that like the penultimate skeletal leaf of a deciduous tree that has fallen in the dead of winter, these special bonds must be treated with great care. In the lessons I have learned on how I show up for myself, and how my anger shows up with others, it is my work to ensure that I handle my own daemons persistently. With Mars holding steady in my home sign retrograde for seven months, I am diving deep into the shadow work needed to heal (and equally staying busy to avoid the sadness that engulfs me from within).
As the heart hurts less, I find myself feeling and connecting with pieces of myself that seemed long forgotten and I let it all just be, just as it is, without intervention.
This year, I fell deep for someone, and there was a part of me that decided to accept him for who he was, and not try to change a thing about him. Today was the first time I smiled about the time we shared together instead of sulking about the fact that it ended. I am happy for the memories, I am thankful for the opportunity to invite someone in. Despite the tears, I am happy it came to be.
Gratitude is something that is necessary to share with others. There is enough grief, pain, sadness, and madness in the world. So today I ask you: what are you grateful for?
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Written under a Sagittarius sun and a Libra moon feeling like the world could use more balanced emotions.
Listening to:
What I am loving: Write me for reading recommendations and films to watch. Mostly Norsk shows and films in other languages.
Holiday film recommendation:
Finally, I am entering my last hermit period of the year. I am writing a new book idea I had over summer and will be focusing on that. For those of you who are not familiar with my hermit modes, I will disappear significantly. This is something I do quarterly to reconnect with the darkest parts of myself. No need to feel like it has anything to do with you, there are just moments in my life where I need to remove myself from it all.
Merry happy everything to you all,
FF