Feelings of Heartbreak
What sound does a heart make when it breaks?
Is is silent, like a pin dropping in a hay stack, or is it loud like a howling wind in a winter storm?
I write from a place of reckoning, a moment in time I have felt many times before and yet this time feels different. They always do. Love is an intangible thread that connects humanity and helps us feel more whole, more alive, and more sane. I used to wonder what I would do without it, but now, I realize that tying all of my love to one person is discrediting all of the love that I feel towards humanity. Love is in the air, love is in the trees, love is in the pavement I walk on, love is in the air I breathe. I am not someone who has been deprived of love. I have loved one, two, three, many times and each time, I feel more, I learn more, I explore more parts of my self that have been long tucked away, inaccessible from core wounds, protecting my heart.
Work has been exhaustive beyond reasonable means. Working in a field that is tied to emotions is so tricky. All I want to do is reconcile the books with care and consideration but the books are tied to the person which is tied to their heart. Some hearts don’t like being told no. Some hearts act out when told something they don’t want to hear, but it is beyond important to show up and hear the things we don’t want to so we can continue to grow. I am so tired.
I have gratitude to those friends who have balanced the realm of tact to share with me that dishes are meant to be washed, and clothes are meant to be folded, and, right now, in this moment I simply don’t care.
It has been two weeks since my debut book of prose has graces the planet and I managed to be number one on the charts for a bit. That felt great. A part of me hoped for more visibility and momentum, but I am but a hermit willing to be seen in the winter months. It is in the summertime when I come alive. To those who have acknowledged the birth of my first book, I thank you. I feel seen, I truly do.
Yet this winter into spring, I wonder if the fog of malaise will lift from my eyes. So many beautiful moments have come from this past month, this wintering of sorts and another lesson, another heartbreak has arrived into the palms of my hands.
My work is to transmute the energy and see what arrives. With this, I never force and simply listen. I read that if I put a book under my pillow, I have a gift that I can read it in my sleep and yet it is something I am very apprehensive to even attempt to do.
Send Tate’s Gluten Free Ginger Zinger cookies, ample tissue boxes, and your favorite sad songs so I can add them to a playlist. For now, I’ll simply go back to crying.
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.
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Written under a Pisces sun and a Libra moon, feeling a bit beyond down.
Today is but a day like many, last week had mostly up’s, this week has mostly down’s, but it all will balance as long as I center on the fact that everything passes us by, even life. I choose to show up, and live it fully.