Closing motivations and a new years revival

The death of resolution guilt

This morning into the wee hours of dawn, I was reflecting on goal setting. How disappointing it can be when December arrives and we have not learned that new language, traveled to where we said we would go, or done the thing we have been telling ourselves we will do for years.

With this, the idea of creative ideation came to mind. With goals, we must refine. Revisit what we want and see if it still holds true. Meditate with it close to your heart, like a leaf and see where the leaf lands: does it land in your lap or back in the forest of ideas to be shared with the world?

As someone who can easily be tapped into the creative zeitgeist, there are many ideas that I have let (willingly or less than willingly) float on to someone else. Major shocks arrived in my youth when an idea I had envisioned and sketched became a Beyoncé music video and later, Lady Gaga emerged in ideas that were seemingly of my youth. I had the utmost clarity that creative envisioning is real, and for those keenly tapped in, these ideas are a mine of gold.

In seeing ideas I thought of play out before my eyes by someone else, it created an emerald disdain of envy. I did not know how to place these feelings. I thought I was mad-but, the older I get, the more I hear the word visionary and understand my role in the world.

With this, I say I will stop hiding and yet somehow, I still hide and stay behind. So how do we define and refine? What holds true? Why am I not in the limelights of the performing world?

Well, I think we must be honest with ourselves. Although my twenties ended up being the hardest experience of my life, I was deep in the throes of being a young mom, and figuring out my new world with someone who fully relied on me. Parenting a young child creates a bit of a stasis at times in modernity and exposure: you don’t see new films, an idea of a fun evening is an outing to Target, your sleep schedule is forever impacted and you become ((gasp)) a morning person.

As a new parent you are quite disconnected from the outer world as your world becomes much smaller and, much more focused on your little human at home. As they get older, their activities become your center, and their friends at school whom you see at the birthday parties and at morning drop off, whose parents eventually become your close friends too. There is a unique experience in becoming a mother in your teen years and ultimately, growing up together which for me has been unparallel to none.

So instead of holding onto bitterness and resentment of what did not happen, I realize I did not have the proper support system to become a world class musician and tour the world and, I wanted to be a mother. I made a choice. Whether this choice was conscious or not, I dug my grave in choosing a partner who would leave me behind, effectively to raise our child alone. In stepping up to the plate for this responsibility, a piece of me died along with it, and I did what I needed to do.

So fast forward to now: Pluto has now exited Capricorn and entered Aquarius. Sixteen years later and I am finally grounded in who I am, clearer on where I am heading, and on who I want to show up as. Queue the industry: now I think I am finally ready. In a sense of the word, or, for lack of a better word. I have had fear, discomfort of being seen and of all of the general dysfunction of the industry, but I choose not to partake.

In 2025, I want to make and release music. That is all. Baby steps.

Another desire is to visit more National Parks. With the political climate, I am less inclined to travel abroad. We do have some plans, which I will reveal after the fact, if they happen, but I am very happy exploring this country before it potentially crumbles.

So 2025 will be the year I embody creative visionary and take my work even further. I will be immersing myself deep into the community of the current zeitgeist of the world in the explorations of education, expansion, and globalization, and dive even further into the world of academia which I love. I will explore my art which has taken a major pause and hiatus since 2023, and continue to set up my creative hobbies room so that I can experiment, adapt and grow.

Life is widening a bit more and I feel like I am almost able to fit through the cavern to see what is on the other side. Motherhood, parenthood, which is evolving as we start to explore colleges and think about what it will mean to be apart.

The expansive nature along with the consuming grief of raising a human and sending them out into the world is massive. My heart is opening even further as my once little human is now driving, learning the trials and tribulations of romantic things, and feeling the grips of this world as a minority, hated by many, revered by many.

The book which has been getting me through these times is Tenderness a Black Queer Meditation on Softness and Rage by Annika Hansteen-Izora. You can order your copy here from one of my favorite online bookshop: order your copy

Here is a link to all of the offerings of the site: all offerings

Here is more on Annika: learn more

The hermit does not come out of the house. I am dizzy, beyond exhausted, and ready for a winter of deep rests, naps, and no phone notifications. My phone will be off in the evenings, and I will let my mind wander as winter envelopes my spirit.

The hibernation allows for the emergence, and spring and summer will be grand.

I must continue to have hope and show up for what matters to me. At a time when consumerism is high my dollars are my vote, and I must vote for what I love most.

If there is anything I want you to take away from this post, it is that we must learn to define and refine our goals. Lest we not clench on so tightly to them that we loose ourselves in the climb to reach them. May we revere in the messy beauty of being human, and may existential crisis bring us closer to whomever we want to become.

I mean, if we came here with life all figured out, how interesting would that be?

For the coming year, we must hold onto whatever hope can buoy us to a future that is good and kind. Creative visioning and envisioning for what this world can become and, may we all continue to be beacons of hope amidst the darkness that occasionally seeks to overtake our light.

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Written under a Sagittarius sun and a Taurus moon feeling under the weather and delirious.

A moment of gratitude to my friends who continue to dream and conjure a beautiful future for me and my daughter as a home of our own. May it come true, and may the magic of visioning continue to offer the sweetness of her bounty.

Lest I remember ideas are cheap, executing the idea is where the gold lies.

May we guide ourselves out of this creative crisis and begin to see the light.

Currents for December

~Spectacular birdwatching

~Lots of rest and nostalgic movies. I recommend RomComs The Holiday, The Idea of You, and the series Sprint. For some people studying, The Ultimatum has been nice, but my kid is over the drama.

~Baking cookies

~The tree is here but not yet up or decorated

~Enjoying breathtaking sunsets

~Unlearning

~Novels in French

~Not taking on more than I can handle

~Anti-social hermit time

Does this post make any sense? I am melting over here so my editing eyes are struggling. Finals are real 🌀🌀🌀

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