As I send my first and only child off to 7th grade I am left sitting with big feelings. Like clockwork, there is an impending reminder that at some point, soon-ish, she will leave the nest and I will be all alone. I crave a partner, I have always wanted a partner as I have longed for a family-but it needs to be the right person.
As I have opened myself up numerous times to love and it has failed each and every time, I am now feeling even more vulnerable than before. Each time I entered partnership I thought I was making the right choice, I thought they were my one. Each time I was proven wrong. I am so tired of being proven wrong. I am tired of the torrential tears that ensue, the inability to properly care for myself, and the lack of the ability to pause because single parenthood stops for no one.
For my child now entering a new aspect of life, my hope is that she finds joy in the day to day existence living in a world that is now deemed irreparable. There is so much uncertainty in life and I hope she makes kind friends and isn’t guided too much by peer pressure. I worry about fire season, about how long she will need to wear a mask, about sex, and how covid outbreaks will be handled by the school. Sometimes all this worry feels like too much to bear. “Keep hope” I remind myself, “just keep hope.”
My sadness has made a home in my heart but I know it’s not here to stay. Sadness comes and goes as do all feelings. My inability to sit with uncomfortable feelings has left me exhausted. Sometimes, we just need to embrace it and feel it. Sometimes healing just takes more time than we anticipate, and that’s okay.
Everything that I have experienced in the time up to this moment is not a failure but just a stepping stone to a bigger, better, and brighter life. Life is leveling up, and obviously, I am resilient enough to handle it all, even when it feels like too much to hold. So I must hold onto those moments of hope graciously awaiting that simple and quiet life I so deeply desire.
I am equally hopeful the right love will enter my life and will not feel overwhelmed by my loving intensity. For now, I will sit here with my feelings, and think a little bit less.
From a strange person existing on this strange planet,
Fo Fera
p.s. Social media has been giving me a bitter taste in my mouth as of late so it is time once again for a pause. I will be deleting my apps for the rest of the month to rebalance and find a sense of ease. See you in September!
Eating: Hearty soups with garden veggies.
Desiring: Better rest!
Listening to: MAJUR-Andarihlo