Today my emotions are running deep. Yesterday, I spent a lot of time in reflection on who I am now, how am I showing up for myself, and what I wish to manifest for my future (thank you New Moon in Cancer). Yesterday I cried. I rarely cry-I am not a crier, and the simple act of letting the flood gates open makes me uncomfortable. In crying some things were revealed: how I hide myself when I feel for others, how I actively remove myself from situations and blow things up upon exiting to prevent further emotional damage (hello self-preservation). How unbeknownst to me, I cause myself immense suffering and despair and can not even see my actions that support this unfolding.
I have been a writer for as long as I can remember. Since I could hold a pencil, I have written my feelings, whether they make sense or not. It is my constant, the one thing I can rely on to process my embodiment of a divine individual on this planet, sharing experiences with others and working through our combined messes. I absolutely love life and all its intensity.
Recently, I showed up for someone and felt like I didn’t receive that in return. It hurt deeply, but upon returning to an emotionally rational state of processing, I now see my part in the current state of the relationship. See, the outcome of situations can be determined by love or by fear. Society wires us to operate from fear, to expect fear, to anticipate fear. It creates a sense of distrust, scarcity mindsets, and unhappy individuals. Energetically, it is low in vibration and can keep us in a place of feeling stuck. In re-wiring my brain, my goal is to come to a place of love and understanding of others. Not wanting to change them, control, or manipulate them for my sense of safety. I can help myself feel emotionally safe. I can show up and give even more love to those who choose to be close to me, around me, and share their love with me. I can be present and live as an active participant in my own life-in control of my choices. Oh, how I do wish I had an adorable cat to smother with unwanted affection. Woe is me. . . moving on.
This week, there was an incredible triumph alongside the deep emotional work. I received my second contract to be published in a magazine I resonate with so strongly-and the pay is incredible! This boosts my confidence, and as an opinion writer, sharing my personal ideals, trials, and tribulations, validates my sense of identity around my writing. I have been thinking about sitting in the park with a sign stating: Free Advice because I love the reciprocity of sharing with others, meeting from a place of openness, and, learning more about yourself while actively listening to the other person speak.
As I have been actively avoiding the finishing steps to releasing my poetry book due to fear, I came across something in my boxes and boxes of work I wish to share. I wrote it in 2006 in deep reflection of my first emotional intimate experience with love. Reading my old work so clearly reflects the emotional undercurrent of my self-esteem, something I have been working to cultivate and nurture alongside a strong self-critic for most of my adult existence on this planet. The “us” I am referring to is the many parts of one’s self that show up in intimate relationships. Maybe it will resonate with you too:
At times
We get confused and lost
In other peoples thoughts, emotions, and opinions
Towards something
Those are the times
When it is best to seek clarity
And reminisce upon the good or the bad
To decide how the other person feels about you
Although you can never know for sure
How they truly feel towards us
That moment when you look each other in the eyes
You just know
So don’t worry.
In closing my friend said something that resonated deeply today. I will meditate on it a bit before some Tai chi. She said:
“Whenever you get in relationship with someone, it causes you to meet yourself.”
Ta ta for now,
Fo Fera
p.s. Paying artists what they are worth is the best thing for humanity. I won’t actively ask you all for money yet, but if you would share this email with someone whom you think would benefit, my list would grow to 100 followers and that would truly make my day. Avec gratitude.